The holidays are quickly approaching which typically means traveling to see extended family and friends or hosting these groups in your own home. How can the holidays be less stressful and more enjoyable? How can we not fall into the annual trap of over extending ourselves?
By setting boundaries we can set healthy limits in the following areas:
Physical
Not a hugger? That’s ok, making that boundary clear to others can provide peace of mind knowing you won’t be nearly tackled by your great aunt before you even get your coat off.
Emotional
Feel like you’ve been drained of all your emotional energy after interacting with a specific person or during a non-preferred activity? Declining to engage with this stressor is ok. While some may not initially respect your boundary or try to guilt you by stating that’s “just how so-and-so is” you’re not obligated to put yourself in a negative situation to avoid rocking the family dynamic boat.
Spiritual
Do your relatives not honor your spiritual beliefs and insist you subscribe to their beliefs during the holidays? It’s ok to choose which holiday activities you will engage in and which you will not.
Financial
Is your bank account crying due to all the spending? Set a limit prior to the holiday rush on how much is a comfortable amount to spend, then stick to that amount. Does the budget not have room for the coolest new technology for dad? The most delicate necklace for mom? There’s no need to overextend yourself financially during the holidays. While they are a time for giving that doesn’t mean sacrificing our financial stability.
Time
Short on time during the holidays? That’s understandable. Don’t allow others to push you to stretch yourself too thin with activities. It’s good to let others know you don’t have the bandwidth for certain tasks or gatherings.
Boundary setting itself is not difficult, it’s the emotions and reaction of others that we often dread. Try to remind yourself as often as needed that it isn’t mean or rude to set healthy boundaries. Some families may use guilt to try and pressure their loved one into bending to their wishes. These strategies may be deeply engrained and used by multiple generations in the family. I would encourage you to embrace your inner adult. You are no longer the pre-teen at the kid’s table, use your voice to make changes within the family dynamic.
Practice saying “no”.
There are many ways to say no without actually using the word “no”. Some of these suggestions may feel better or easier to deliver. Try a few out on some of the “safer” people in your life if you’re particularly anxious about setting boundaries. Setting boundaries (and sticking to them) is a skill that is learned and can be honed.
Here are some top tips for setting effective boundaries:
Be clear and direct. Language should not include words such as “maybe” or “might”. Instead tell the listener what you are or not able to do.
“Thank you for inviting us, however, this year we will be staying home for the holidays.”
“I’m not able to make my famous fruit cake this year, but I’m happy to bring a side dish and bottle of champagne.”
“I’ve already accepted another invitation, I hope you understand.”
Setting boundaries in a group setting may feel more challenging. There are so many topics that are “hot” for families across the country. Politics, body shape, religion, sexuality, abortion rights, Covid-19, parenting, etc. Not wanting to argue with your family or debate your values and opinions at the dinner table is a legitimate feeling.
Calmly stating something like, “I’m not going to discuss my dating life, I want to enjoy our time together. Let’s change the subject, How was your recent trip overseas?” This allows you to remain calm and present during your holiday gathering.
If the family member pushes you to discuss “that topic” you can give another reminder of the boundary. This phrase may need to be repeated depending on how insistent the person. “I appreciate you feel strongly about this topic, I do too. Please respect my wishes”.
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